Who we are

When she's not riding two stallions at once while shirtless in her backyard (that doubles as a golf course), Ageliki Grammata creates superior metric alignment for top-tier c-suite ctrl-alt-delete clients like Bull Shittington's, Hats-Offingsworth's, and so many more that prudence dictates that you must continue reading this biography with your eyes closed and a smug smile on your face.

Technically speaking, Ernie Buttons isn't alive, but neither is he dead. Rather, his hollowed-out brain cavity is the reaction chamber that comprises the anterior portion of the carbon-based sciences that makes Kwik Metrics the default choice of island nations seeking greater influence on global bean markets. This (coupled with our secretly government-funded research protocols and standard-issue hand wipes) makes Kwik Metrics the best company to handle your beakers (and your filthy, filthy hands).

Alessandro Dolares isn't just named after money. He's named after the legendary Alessandro Dolares of great financial fame. We are obliged to omit further details due to his dying request that no time (and therefore money) be spent telling his story after he's passed on to "that great bailout in the sky." It was said that the sky rained sad-looking banknotes on the day he died, but that was largely due to the fact that the he, sensing his imminent demise, set off a mountain of powder kegs in his private vault / death chamber in a last-minute attempt to blow a huge wad of cash. But we've said too much already.

Andre Preneur smells like a man, but he has a secret: He's a machine. Built by the Glimmvox Corporation on Theta 7, his metallic embrace of peace belies his true power as the Vice President of Galactic Funnovation. He wields his mighty laser pen like a battle axe, sloppily signing his name to legislation including the Fundari Moon Mooning Treaty and the High-Speed Intergalactic Party Bus System. He chooses to live in San Francisco because it's surprisingly easy for an incognito robot to blend in there and enjoy the anonymous sex scene.

Why aren't you returning Digby Nathaniel-Jenkinson's calls? You said after you met for drinks at the conference that you would go out with him, but he sent flowers to everyone in the phone book who matches your name—yet you haven't replied. You seemed impressed that he is Kwik Metrics' Senior Executive Vice President (SExViPr) of Strategic Search Direction, but he guesses now it's back to the drawing board at the reverse-psychology online dating website, Yeah Right, Valentine. So much for showing him at least enough professional courtesy to ignite one of the numerous smoke signals he mailed to you before his plane trailed a banner with his name and number over the downtown area of the town that has the highest concentration of people with your name. So be it.